Robert Stark talks to Andy Nowicki about his memoir Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker Purchase the memoir/manifesto at Amazon Here are a few excerpts published at Alternative Right This is a transcript of the interview because the audio was hard to listen to. Robert: I’m joined here with Andy Nowicki. He has a new book out. It’s a memoir called Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker. Andy: Yes, thank you for having me on Robert. It’s a pleasure to be on with you again. And I said my new book entitled with the arresting title Confessions of a Would-be Wanker, and it’s also my first ever self-published effort. So I appreciate you having me on the show to talk about it. Robert: I think people have been waiting for this for a while because you’ve written some books with some very dark characters like Tony Meander in the Columbine Pilgrim and Heart Killer, so your fans and people who follow you must be really curious to get inside your mind and to see where you are coming from. Andy: Yeah I guess so, I kind of conceived this idea as an act of defiance, because I’ve never written anything, you know autobiographical, of autobiographical sort of writing. Because I think there’s something inherently self-indulgent about it. So that kind of stood in my way, or inhibited me from going in that direction. But earlier this year. I guess I conceived this idea sometime last year, sort of worked on it, little by little. But it dawned on me there’s something kind of beautiful in somebody who is essentially a nobody. Which is me. I’m hardly a household name. Now I do have my fans. I’m thankful for them. People who read my work and so forth. But I kind of thought well no one cares about Andy Nowicki, what the hell happened to him. And than I thought I’ll give the world exactly what it doesn’t want. Robert: I was going to say that. Your life story is… Well the book is relatively tame and clean in comparison to those other books I mentioned. Andy: Yeah, well I think it’s like that the old saying “clean living and a dirty mind” kind of applies to me. And it’s sort of a cliché but it’s true. I that there’s not really that much that is scandalous to talk about in my thoughts which are scandalous to many people. But yeah the life that I have lived… Though I think the adventures that I recount are entering, they aren’t somebody who does all these transgressive things, because that’s just my life. I’ve had transgressive thoughts, but the life I’ve led has… I’ve pretty much stayed within the bounds generally speaking good behavior. I think I can tell you for the most part. But it was something that I was often animated by these perverse notions of defiance that the thing to do is everything that the world would have no use for. And somehow that gives me more incentive to go ahead and do it. So I went ahead and wrote an autobiography and it’s short. It’s on the shortish side, and it’s also an autobiographic, a memoir, but also a manifesto. Robert. And the word manifesto has become a controversial term because a lot of mass murderers now have their own manifestos. Andy: Yeah, well that’s sort of what it’s taken in our times. You know when someone goes on a shooting and puts a bullet through his own head. In the case of Mark David Chapman, after he shot John Lennon he left a copy of Catcher and the Rye by J.D. Salinger in his motel room, and wrote something on it to say that this was his manifesto which was kind of more lazy. Robert: Yeah, that’s lazy and Catcher and the Rye is kind of boring in comparison to the stuff you’ve written like the Columbine Pilgrim. Andy: Well thanks, I’m glad my works not boring. That’s always good to hear. Robert: Though I’ll be honest your recent book in comparison to your other books is not as exiting. As I said it’s kind of clean in comparison. Andy: What were you expecting? What kind of life were you expecting? Or incidences or experiences that you had in mind? Robert: I was expecting some real dark internal monologues of angry fantasies of revenge. But I didn’t actually find that. Andy: Well, I want to say for those listening, you can find certain excerpts of Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker posted at Alternative Right. And some of them involve that I ended up being… I honed in on the middle school days. The focus the book takes, and the focus of where I take my cue in a lot of ways in my work, and the things that I write about is the onset of puberty and the effect of sexualization on the psyche, on the Soul. So I recount me own experiences. And yeah I’m not incredibly graphic about anything. That’s why there’s some people who… Some of my detractors seem to think that I dwell on a subject like masturbation that is absolutely disgusting and appalling. Robert: Well, which detractors? You probably have detractors on both ends. Some detractors say your writings are to perverse, and then there’s people who think you’re a total prude. You probably get it from both sides. Andy: I do get it from both sides. The people who accuse me of being as you say perverse or self-indulgent are like “stop talking about masturbation so much,” Andy “I’m tired of hearing about.” I don’t think I’ve ever been graphic, I know there are some people out there who can’t manage their urges and look to tips on how to stop masturbation. I don’t think I’ve ever spoken of personal experiences in that regard. But if you feel like you need to find a way to manage your urges, it might be a good idea to check out masturbationaddiction.com. I have wrote about the subject, and how it manifests itself in life as a representation of sexualization in general, but I do think that those who accuse me of being fallacious or self-indulgent have really missed the mark in that way. Of course, there are some people who find that they enjoy masturbation or find that it helps to improve their own personal sexual experiences with their partners, according to e-sensory.com it is popular among couples who want to experiment with their mutual sexuality. And of course the title itself of Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker is ment to be evocative. Hopefully if your paying attention and you read that title a question mark will form over your head. Right, you think to yourself what does this mean to be a wanker? Why would you strive to be a wanker? Hopefully, and I do get around to answering that question. But anyway there are people who say on the other side that I’m the product of Catholic prudery and prurient, and my attitude toward sex is Medieval. Which it might be. I don’t know. I don’t necessarily see that as an insult, but they do. The ones who say that. Um so I do kind of get it from both sides, which is ok. I mean I’m at peace with my detractors. I know there are worse people out there who are much more prudish than people believe I am. For one thing, I am not like those crazy parents who force their children to wear chastity belts, to stop them from masturbating. I have met a few parents that are like that and I’m often the one stating don’t do this. And I think it sort of shows. I don’t want to overstate things, but I’m frankly… I know you talk about this quote on quote un-awaited and I don’t want say that that’s necessarily true, but I would say that it has sold surprisingly well in that direction, not having a whole lot of appeal but a very small niche of my already niche readership. I figured that hardcore Nowicki fans or Nowicki haters or whichever, would maybe find the subject matter interesting for their own reasons, love me or hate me. But other people wouldn’t necessarily find it that interesting because again, who the hell am I? But it seems to have done… It seems to be doing better that I expected it to. And I find that interesting. And I have my own theories about why that might be the case. Robert: Yeah, because as I said before your more known for your characters, and your life itself is not as interesting as your characters. You’ve actually lived a relatively tame life, but you do start off with the middle school years and experience, and how things dramatically change from childhood, and you basically say that sex changes everything and social hierarchies become implemented. So with your book you basically describe yourself as a nerd. Andy: Well yeah, I’m aware of what your talking about, the beginning of social hierarchies, and that all kicks into high gear in teens with the onset of sexualization, and doesn’t stop after that. Whereas prior to puberty… I make a reference to those days. I draw a comparison to the story of the Garden of Eden and Adam and Eve before the fall, and than they were tempted and ate from the fruit. That’s what changed them, and that’s what caused their fall. And it resulted in their expulsion from the Paradise. And that tracks very closely with my experience of my childhood. I had a very marvelously beautiful wonderful childhood. And than when I hit puberty things changed significantly, jarringly, and I was thrusted into a very different world. And I wanted to get back to where I was but I couldn’t. Robert: How did your personal experience during adolescence provide inspiration for the characters in your work? Andy: I character like Tony Meander from the Columbine Pilgrim was magnified. I think I said this before, there’s something as a writer, there’s something liberating about the process of taking a certain aspect in your personality and magnifying it. And giving yourself this sort of freedom to write things that… To have your character do things that you would not do, of course because it’s wrong, and you’re a moral person, and you want to do good and not do evil. But you feel tempted. You feel desirous of certain things that are evil. And so there is a way of living vicariously, as they say through an alter ego, which is something I think I do a lot in my writing. But for this particular book, I saw it as more of a philosophical thing, and as a way of more or less describing my perspective on sexualization, as being an agent of corruption, a corruptive force in ones live. A Disruptive force as well . I make references to my own life. Incidences from my own life as well. So this is again a different kind of work than some of the fictions. Kind of way to argue a particular kind of perspective. And earlier to why I think the idea that there’s some interest in the book, maybe even more than I thought. Robert: Is this from your fans and followers at the Alternative Right or have you been successful at reaching beyond that niche. Andy: I mean I think it’s mostly from people who read Alternative Right, and people who read Takimag, and other you know movement kinds of sites. But I think I’ve reached beyond, and the idea is to keep building up my readership. So I think the reason why I’ve managed to do this because I think there is…. The Manosphere’s a big things these days, and there’s a lot of frustration with you know, feminist orthodoxy and how our culture is misandrist, which you would say is male hating. Our culture has become and given rise to Manosphere guys… The PUA, Pickup Artist, and defenders of masculinity … Men’s Rights people and so forth, and yet in my case, maybe what’s intriguing to some people is I’m offering a different brand of masculinity or a different kind of sense masculinity. And you find in the Pick Up Artist…. Robert: Yeah, and that’s why some of them… Some of those types would definitely make fun of you. Andy: Yeah, the Roissy’s, The Roosh’s , and so forth. Yeah, they would call me a beta male looser. I guess some of them would. But I think I made a dent with the articles I have written at Alternative Right and elsewhere. Which is talked about the flaws that I see in the Pickup Artist and their schemes, their games…The Gaming scene. Your trying to bed as many women as possible, and to add these notches to your bed post. That whole philosophy as well, and how I think that is degrading to oneself, because it makes your more of a clown. Robert: And that’s basically what you mean by a wanker? Andy: Yes, now this is a complicated thing, but it all comes together in the end. And there’s an excerpt, if any of your listeners might want to give it a look. It’s at Alternative Right, and the title is Be a Wanker not a Fucker. And so yes, it’s a little tongue and cheek, and these terms wanker and fucker are both insults that we sling at other people. Robert: Also wanker, it’s more of a British slang. Andy: Yes it is. It is British slang. I like it. The British are very good at coming up with these terms that suggest utter contempt. So that’s why I’m really using it here. And yeah my idea which you can find by just typing in Be a Wanker not a Fucker. It’s more or less a primer on my general philosophy. And my thing is I’m a fucker who’s trying to become a wanker. And the way I talk about it in this piece is a fucker… And the piece is an excerpt from the book Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker. But I talk about when you’re a fucker you’re a man who wants to get sex, but not just sex. This is important to point out, because for men conditioned to believe the more sex you get the more of a stud you are, and therefore the more status you have, and so really it’s like hungering and thirsting after status. So the end game is not really the sex, it’s about obtaining status, and wanting to be like you measure up in front of other people. Like you want to be impressive, which is really a weak place to come from, because your whole self-worth is based on how other people are looking at you. You know, do women find you attractive or charming. Do men find you intimidating and you know, and studly. And are they jealous of you and your success. You know it’s really thought to be such a strong thing to pursue, or to become this Pickup Artist type thought to be such a wonderful ideal, but it’s really not. It’s really quite pathetic/ Robert: Well they are going to probably say “oh he’s just saying that because he’s failed at it.” Andy: Yes, I know. I know that they would say that and the thing is… It’s much more complicated than that, but I would own being a failure. I would own being a nerd, a geek, a looser, or whatever, but what I say in the piece is what I strive to be, and again it’s tongue and cheek. I’m not saying that all sexual intercourse is bad. I’m not saying that masturbation is inherently good, or anything like that. But I draw the distinction between a fucker, who’s somebody for whom status is what it’s all about. Wanting to become this alpha make stud type. To others you have to be seen as the alpha male stud. Robert: What about public wankers? They just totally don’t care what others think. Andy: Well, I’m against that. I don’t think it should be in public. But again it’s not so much the literal wanking. It’s the whole idea that when you are somebody who has let all this go, and say I’m not going to try to be impressive, you know in the way that this person or that person wants them to be impressive whether their women or men. You know I’m just going to do my thing. I’m going to do what I enjoy doing. I’m not going to worry about what my status is or who likes me or doesn’t, or who thinks I’m cool and doesn’t. That’s all so middle school and we never grow out of it. That whole middle school thing. And that’s what I’m recommending, that we all grow out of it. That sort of person is the wanker. Somebody who is ok with just being who he is. I can’t think of a better way to put it. Robert: What about your college years? You write about your college years, but you focus on your middle school years in the book. Andy: Yes, well the book is divided into two parts. There’s the first part called Manning Down which discusses more the philosophy of things and also… So I talk a little bit about my childhood and adolescence, those experiences. And the second part is called College Drama, and in Part II I talk about some of my experiences after having gone to college. And it’s actually an essay that I wrote about two years ago that I’m including in this in this book, just because it’s another variation on the same theme. And I talk about experiences as a hollow freshman attending college at Emory University, and my experiences in this sex up production of Midsummer Night’s Dream in which I play Demutrius. Just this ridiculously pornographic production of Midsummer Night’s Dream where I found myself thrust into at Emory as a freshman, with a director who was rather a challenge to work with, let’s just say. Robert: And about your writings. How is your writings and philosophy different from say your stereotypical social conservative abstinence advocates? Andy: Well, I mean the typical abstinence advocate… I’m in favor of abstaining until marriage. I mean I’ll go on record as saying that. But the typical abstinence advocate is somebody who sort of strives to sound like they are… It’s like everybody wants to as the saying goes “sex positive” these days, you know. Nobody wants to sound like a prude but they want to sound like their down on sex because they’ll be made fun of and called Victorian or Medieval or something else. And I sex as a very… I mean in some ways comfortable with the term being called an anti-sexualist. Although I see that sex exist, and it’s there, and we have to deal with it. But I’ve never been comfortable with it. I’ve always seen sex as… again as it manifests in our world by nature, and so forth. I see it as an extremely corruptive force in our lives. And I’m honest about that. Whereas the typical advocate of abstinence, you know Christian writer, would say sex is wonderful, it’s a great thing, but you just have to wait, you know, until your married. Then it’s great. I’ they would say we are the real positive ones and blah blah blah. And so my perspective is quite different, but I’m also much more honest and graphic… Not Graphic. That’s not the right word to use. But I’m not at all a prude as far as descriptions of things, and so forth. So it’s kind of a weird hybrid because I’m definitely more “sex negative,” and yet…. Robert: Your not the stereotypical… As I said before like Ned Flanders. The stereotypical Christian Conservative who flips out whenever they hear something dirty. Your not like that at all. Andy: No, no I am…. I can’t stand that whole plugged in online… There’s a site called plugged in online that I wrote about once that’s all… It talks about movies and says if it’s got profanity, or this or that, than it must be bad. Robert: And your books have profanity. You have profanity in your writings, in your articles, and on the show. Andy: Yes, it’s like you have to be as a writer, or any kind of artist, you have to be true to what you perceive to be the reality. And you can’t fake it, you can’t try to pigeon hole it, you can’t try to force it in some direction you think will make it more palatable. You got to just let It all hang out. If your telling the truth, and telling it in a compelling way than hopefully people will see that. And that’s what I try to do in my writing, no matter where it takes you. Robert: Before I wrap up, is there anything else you would like to add about your memoir? Andy: Well, I’ll just say for those who are listening that are interested, it’s available at Amazon in Kindle form or paperback. And it’s something that I self- published. It’s the first thing that I’ve written that I’ve self-published. Everything that I’ve written before has been with one company or other. And again the idea with everything that I’ve written before has always been to expand my readership. Hopefully get a little bit further out from the Alternative Right circle. Not that I have any problem with the Alternative Right what so ever. I don’t. But you want to try to be able to reach as many people as you can. But in this case I sort of thought no, I’m just going to self-publish this, because people will think that it’s pathetic for somebody who is writing a memoir about himself nobody cares about. And I kind of wanted to embrace that. Yeah I’m being pathetic here and I’m going to self-publish this. I’m going to be even more pathetic. So that was the whole concept there. It’s self-published but Amazon’s got a great deal now that makes it very affordable. So I was able to do it through Amazon. And you can get it on paperback or you can get it on Kindle. I think on Kindle you can get it as low as three dollars. So even if you suspect it might be lame but it sounds like it’s potentially interesting, hey it’s just three bucks. And that’s how you can find it and also on my website andynowicki.blogspot.com and I have done some readings on Sound Cloud there’s some excerpts, something that I kind of enjoy doing from Confessions of a Would-Be Wanker, and from some other things that I have written as well. So I invite anyone to go there and check things out, or anything else that I have to offer, or as I said go to Alternative Right, there’s lots of excerpts from the book there as well. Robert: Andy Nowicki, thanks for being on the show.